Beam Us Up, Scotty, Again
by Starshadow666
Summary: Mild humor based on a discussion about slash. Some bathroom humor and discussion of mature issues. Mildish, but warning just in case


Title: Beam us up, Scotty, Again.

Author: Starshadow

Rating: G

Pairing K/S

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. My name isn't Paramount, and I can't get any of the money from franchises nor games nor dolls nor toys. Dammit. Nor will I try.

Summary: Delphi inspired me. All characters are fictional. No real guy would have a name like Doug Razor. No sirree bob. So it must be a coinkydink.

No beta, no time. Just spellcheck. Deal with it.

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Doug looked up from the devastatingly clever reply he'd just posted to Delphi about Spock and the toilet, thinking that would show that freak what was what, just in time to see a shimmer in the air, as a figure took solidity in front of him. No, that was two figures. Oh, my god, it looked like Kirk and Spock! He must be the biggest fan of the show that featured these two, and here they were, right in his living room! He could hardly believe his eyes!

He must be dreaming!

Quickly the taller of the two men strode over to the computer terminal and read the message that had been posted. "Captain, tell me again **why** we are here?" He didn't think there was the slightest chance of getting through to the mind that had just posted such a juvenile response.

"Now, now, Spock. Maybe the guy just doesn't get it." He turned to Doug, whose mouth still hung open. "Look, we're all about Infinite Diversity. Yeah, I know that in your universe this is just entertainment. But in ours it's serious. It's the Real Thing. What you don't seem to understand is that how you're acting now will affect your own future. Ours is already here, Spock and I are proof of that. But yours..."

Spock interrupted impatiently. "Mr. Doug. You can deny our relationship until the proverbial bovines return to the domicile, and it won't make the denial real. Logic dictates, however, that if you are really a Star Trek fan, you would want to see those ideals realized in your own universe, would you not?"

Doug didn't respond. He was still trying to decide if he was hallucinating. He looked from one man to the other. Then he got enough courage to speak. "Look, the novels make it clear you guys are just friends."

"Novels, novels. Doug. I can call you Doug, can't I? Call me Jim. Doug, novelists have to write inside a given formula to be approved by your Paramount Pictures. What we are is the ideal that Roddenberry created us to be. We are the Real Thing. We're you, Doug, and we're your world. We said there's a chance for world peace, and a chance for all of us to feed the hungry, school the illiterate, and make sure money isn't an issue for someone who wants a career doing something that can help other people. We said woman are equal to men. We said no one has to be ruled by their biology, and that different races and different people can just get along. And here you are, Doug. Aren't you ashamed of your own bigotry?"

"It's not bigotry." Doug sputtered. "Some people want to do anything to approve of a perverted lifestyle."

Spock cocked an eyebrow. "And to what perverted lifestyle are you referring, Mr. Razor?"

"Gays. Women killing their babies. All that stuff, of course."

"Women kill babies here?" Spock was appalled.

"Abortions."

Kirk shook his head. "Doug, let me explain something. In our century, a fetus is a fetus, not a baby. And if someone doesn't want a child, they have even more options than you people had. They can abort. It happens more rarely on Earth in our time, but it happens. The man can offer to carry the child. Male pregnancy is risky, but possible, with surgical removal of the baby, but the guy can do it if he wants. They can have another person adopt the fetus. Or they can give it up after it's born. Whoever takes on the baby, they become its parents. Sometimes people choose to be single parents. Sometimes it happens by accident. My own father died when I was young. My mother carried on with me and my brother because she wanted to."

He grabbed a soda from a side table, took a swig, and made a face. "This stuff is terrible. You people drink it? No wonder you're nuts. Anyway, Doug, you want to take away choice and save babies. Someone has to bring them up. Who are you recommending does that? Will you step in and do it?"

"No, the mother has to do that!"

"Hmm, so you won't trust her to decide whether she wants a child, but you'll force her to take care of it? That doesn't make sense. Why won't you do it, since you want kids? You have one already? What's that got to do with anything? And another thing, this whole gay-straight thing. You do know no one cares in my century, not on Earth, anyway, don't you?"

Doug glared at Kirk. "But you're not gay! You're too masculine! You're a hero!"

"Since when can't gay men be heroes or be masculine? Spock and I, we've been together a long time. A long time. Are we unmasculine? Fact is, Doug, in my century we don't even make that kind of distinction anymore. There are too many other species out there that have other sexual arrangements. Andorians have four. Some species have one sex. News flash, buddy, no one cares. As long as it's a consenting adult, no one cares. You think the United Federation of Planets would survive for long if anyone made a big deal out of a stupid sexual taboo?"

Kirk went over to the computer console. He read Doug's entry in the forum. "What did Spock find in the toilet? Captain Kirk's log!"

Spock lifted an eyebrow, as if to say, "I told you so." Kirk grabbed Spock by the hand. "Come on HUSBAND," he said, emphasizing the word, as Doug still sat open-mouthed. He took out his communicator with the other hand. "Beam us up, Scotty. Uhura was right. There is no intelligent life here."

He and Spock were still holding hands when they shimmered and were gone.


End file.
